If I could've guessed everything that would've happened to me over the last few months I probably would've left New York, gone back to my parents house, and sat in my comfort zone where I felt OK. I probably never would have subjected myself to the things that transpired over these last few months. I probably would have never allowed my anxiety take over again on my depression to kick back in but life happens and you can't predict what the future. So by no other option, you allow life to happen and you have those anxiety attacks and your depression does kick back in and your friends' betray you and you lose things and people you loved...or love but it's life and when it feels like everything is crashing down on you, the world keeps spinning.
And in that time, everything feels awful but then there's a moment, the moment I'm having now, the moment where I can sit and type about it and talk about it and think to myself, I'm. Still. Here. Not only am I still here, I'm here and I am a better person today than I was not only when I was going through that tormotrious moment but even before when I thought everything was OK.
Life has the weirdest way of waking you up and making you realize what you need to do where you need to be, who needs to be there with you and who doesn't. I know some of us pray for signs and ignore them, I myself am guilty of that but I've gotten to a place where I think the signs have been so in my face that I can't help but pay full attention to them. And even when I try to ignore them, they find a way to play themselves out exactly how they were supposed to.
I was happy when I moved to New York, at that it was the best decision I could have made for myself at that time. I could've never predicted that I would have met a guy right before moving here or my living situation or my work situation not being ideal but these are all things that happened and I felt like I was in the right headspace, so I excepted that everything that was taking place was what was meant to take place. I was wholeheartedly appreciative of my experience, even with the mishaps and unplanned moments, because that's what life is about right?
But then there was a situation then another situation and another situation and these didn't feel like, "oh life is just happening" these were situations where I felt a certain type of hurt that I can't remember feeling ever experiencing and it set me back to a place that I hated.
I was not happy. I was not myself. I was not comfortable with myself. I was not comfortable with anybody in my life and I did not want to be around.
I had trust issues. I didn't even trust myself to love myself. And the one person I felt like I could talk to about my mental health issues because they understood was the last person I wanted to speak to and the next person I could talk to didn't understand mental health and it's complexity.
I felt so enclosed in my thoughts that it was driving me crazy.
But that was then and this is now . I'm at the other side of the pain that I experienced, I am at the part where I'm like AHHH, I see what You did there. It took losing almost everything to get a real image and reflection of myself. That reflection pushed me into overdrive and now I am filled with joy, I am happy, I am genuinely happy with every aspect of my life. No it's not perfect, but it's where I want to be now.
I couldn't be happier with where I am in my life and the control I took back over myself. I let go of expectations of people and just created expectations for myself, really goals for myself, things that I had to do for me and no one else.
I was in the car yesterday riding back from a meeting and I was just reflecting on every positive thing that's going on in my life and how almost every negative situation that occurred has come full circle. Things have truly fallen perfectly in place. I'm living my best life, not just posting it on the Internet. I don't feel anxious, I don't feel like anyone can make me feel anxious. I let go. I let God. I let love.
I'm getting back to the things I love, I'm getting back to myself -I'm getting back to Which Brittney!
I'm putting my energy into Creative Girl Gang, an organization that I started with my favorite girls. I am loved not only by others but by myself, I love my damn self!
Going through the rocky part was hard but the coming out on the other side was worth it.
So I will say I'm a little different since we last chatted over at the other Which Brittney website but now I feel stronger, I feel more confident in my abilities, and I'm excited to start this journey and this new site with you all. Enjoy.